The Department of the Army 335th RR Co Subject: The "Kid"s coming Home" To: Whom it may concern Be it known among men, women, children and animals of a civilized or uncivilized nature, that on or about the __ of ___in the year of our lord ____, there will be released back into civilization, a sunbaked, mudcaked, water logged, and slightly unstable individual known as _________________ This Poor unfortunate soul, who not so long ago was a normal,healthy and outstanding member of society, is about to bid farewell to the pleasant, serene little straw houses, open sewer ditches and the sidewalk commodes of Vietnam. The knowledge that he must leave "BEAUTY" has caused him much mental anguish. He is known to have indulged in the consumption of alcoholic beverages whereas, He will remain inthe state of a drunken stupor for an indefinite period of time. This indicates that he has adjusted to the pattern of life which controls this paradise of southeast asia. Take special care in the reading of the following advice and heed these WARNINGS. A. Place your women, children, all domestic and if possible non-domestic animals in a secluded storm or bomb shelter. B. Hide all alcoholic beverages and/or liquors, This Includes: 1. mouthwashes 2. aftershave lotions 3. rubbing alcohols (denatured or otherwise) 4. antiseptics 5. anything with the faintest trace of alcohol After a resonable period of time (at least six months) He can slowly be exposed to the above mentioned items, but under strict supervision and control. C. He has survived the worst the world has to offer: rain, heat,sand, insects, rain, mud, heat, motar attacks, rain, rats, wind, filth, rainy mud, rainy rain, muddy hot rain, sunny rain, rainy heat, monsoons, hurricanes, typhoons, and rain, but worst of all, this poor soul has survived the Vietnamese people and their driving habits. D. Pay no attention when he stirs soy sauce in his soup and potatoes, or mixes raw snails with his rice. He has been conditioned to do this in hopes of improving the taste. Do not be too harsh when he prefers his chopsticks and fingers to knives and forks, or slops his food all over he floor and/or the table. Also understand that he still doesn't know that the waste basket or ashtray has been invented. E. Do not be embarrassed or run away if he decides to urinate on the street while downtown or spends an hour arguing prices with the merchants, hoping to save a penny or two. He will get over this in twenty years or so. F. Most likely his first few words will be spoken in a low sneakywhisper, that is, after he has looked around to make sure he can-not be overheard. Without fail his words will be, "Where can I change American money and what is the black market rate"? This point shall be explained. What he is doing is trying to change American money into the local currency in the manner with which he most accustomed to....illegally and profitably ! ! He will try to sell you everything from chewing gum to a box of tide from the American commissary. He will fear the police because he is just like the rest of us -- A member and firm believer in the black market. G. If he mumbles such things as choi yoi, gachewa, black market, vc, xin loi, dinky-dow, or boo coo too much and other off the wall remarks while sleeping, ignore him. H. Keep a close watch on him while he is bathing. He's not use to hot water or complicated things like a shower stall. He may even ask you what a bath tub is and what it is used for. With proper supervision and instructions he will soon learn to handle these things by himself without causing harm. I. Under no circumstances should you mention or let him hear of powdered milk or powdered eggs, dehydrated potatoes, fried rice,c-rations, saigon tea, and above all, never let him hear of short-time! J. Don't be alarmed if he stars at nylons, chairs, couches, beds, mattresses, air conditioners,elevators, tall buildings, sinks, bathtubs, indoor bathrooms, toilets, smooth roads, big cars,medium cars and round eyes. He'll get used to them in time. He may ask questions as "Where can I get a coupe license," or "How much is 130 piasters worth in American money"? If he jumps when a barber turns on electric hair clippers, try to calm him down with soft phrases like "choi yoi" with the accent on the "choi", This is a shock treatment but it should bring him back into reality. If he starts mumbling about bombs ignore him or you"ll be mumbling about them too. K. Most likely he will want to sleep on a straw mat and burn jose sticks or if he was lucky he'll want a cot and a mosquito net. He will probably take a siesta from noon until two daily. L. Driving is definitely out of the question. Even while crossing the street he should be watched. He has become familiar to theways of the Vietnamese roads and rules and is completely indifferent and ignorant to such traffic hazards such as cars, cycles, bicycles, and motorscooters, trucks, taxis,horse wagons ,water buffalo and other normal things found on the everyday streets. M. Brief all his friends not to ask such questions as: "How was the mail situation over there?" or "Do the women really wear skirts split all the way to their waist Never offer him a drink and never ask him to buy you one! Warn every female not to sit next to him or call him "minoui". All of the above mentioned items will cause violent reactions and he should not be held responsible for the terrible things he may do or say during the following attacks,spells, moods, seizures, etc. etc. N. Last and most important: Do not permit him to speak or leave him unattended in the presence of women, especially beautiful women. His preference will be tall, short, healthy, dark, round eyed women. He is no longer accustomed to civilized women so his speech and actions will not be in the best of taste. No matter what his sunbaked, mudcaked, waterlogged face may look like, no matter what his reactions to normal things might be, beneath that hard weary, battle and bomb scared surface is a soft heart. Just give him a few years to get used to civilization again and he will be the same person you saw leave you a year ago. Be kind to him. He may look and act peculiar but remember that he defended your freedom. At times he will be hard to understand and may even shock you but that is also to be expected after living in Vietnam, the gateway to southeast asia, the Paris and Pearl of the orient, and the ruin of many a good man. Should any situation arise that you cannot handle notify the nearest office of the Vietnamese Domestic Security Police. As usual,it won't do any good but they do like to use the phone and will be glad to talk to you. Send no more mail to the APO S.F. 96215 Get Ready..........."The Kid is Coming Home" May God bring peace and good will to all mankind ! ! !